NUR EIN
Glennny
June MoonNur Ein XVII
almost 4 years agoeliminated
3:17

Challenge

Lyrics must contain no rhyming couplets and no perfect end rhymes.

June Moon
by glennny

It was a warm night and a strawberry moon
We kicked back in the bed of my truck
This woman and I were under its spell
We locked eyes and then had a good ___SpoilerCONVERSATION

We stopped by my favorite joint
(with) Liquor in the front and poker in the rear
Lost track of time, it was getting late
(They said) "You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay ___ SpoilerAT THIS ESTABLISHMENT

She was interesting, with unique point of view
She didn’t listen, but she sure could talk
The only times she was ever quiet
Were the times her mouth was full of my ___ SpoilerLEMON CAKE

Enjoy the glow of the Strawberry Moon
Hazy red and there for us to share
With you now, I feel invincible
Spring in my step I'm not alone and ___SpoilerSCALING IT BACK

The evening heat meant she was scantily clad
Her mail order had arrived in bits
She needed my help because I’m good with tools
But I kept on staring at her perfect ___SpoilerINSTRUCTION MANUAL

Oh my baby you can rock me all night
Your red sofa is so cushy
She was laid back and let me go down
I didn’t waste any time to lick her ___SpoilerAT A GAME OF CHESS

By the harvest moon at the end of the summer
She pulled no punches, she was totally blunt
I tried to please her, but I came up short
My once sweet girl was now a raging ___SpoilerNARCISSIST

I love the glow of the Strawberry Moon
Hazy red and there for us to share
Being with you, I feel invincible
Up until now I was alone and ___SpoilerSCAMPERING

She looked at me without love in her eyes
I was wondering if there was something amiss
I couldn’t believe that this had happened to us
Then I pulled over and took a ___SpoilerPICTURE

Women come and go but there’s always the moon
It reminds me of the moments we shared
When I was with you, I was invincible
But at the end of it all, I’m alone and __SpoilerSKATEBOARDING

vowlvom

Forum post

this sounds like a lot of work went into it, but the harmony non-rhymes feel a bit like they're signposting the gag a bit too heavily, especially since they crop up every single time. It's a solid track and you're doing good vocal work here but it just feels a little one-note, and the solo doesn't feel like a good genre fit to me.

Evermind

Forum post

The way you've handled this challenge is amazing. Well played. It's kind of hard to hear the lyrics at times, especially at times when you go for low notes. You might consider pushing a little harder with your diaphragm on those low notes to get them a bit more audible, more breath support can help (what I think is) near the bottom of your range. You might also, if you want to fix it in post, just slice off that one word and boost the clip gain a bit. Little scansion issue on "cuSHY". Solo feels a little rough and aimless.

owl

Forum post

Clever, goofy take and I think you executed it well lyrically, but ultimately it just felt like a joke song without lasting value on repeat listens. I also think it could have been like half as long and still worked as well. It's pleasant to listen to in the parts where it's going (reminds me of Yo La Tengo's version of "Griselda") but even if you're just listening in the background, the punchline lines take you out of the song sonically. The lead vocal is hard to make out and sounds a bit weird in spots, I don't know if it was just aggressive comping or a noise gate or something but it sounds cut off strangely in various places. I'm not into this solo, doesn't seem to fit the style of the rest of the song at all. I think if you hadn't leaned quite so hard on telegraphing the jokes, it could have been more of a dry, funny, tongue-in-cheek take that would only reveal itself upon repeat listens instead of basically a novelty song.

sailingmagpie

Forum post

This is a fun take on the challenge but, unfortunately, the joke does wear a little thin. I think maybe there needs to be less telegraphed rhyme switches and they should be dotted throughout the song, so that the listener doesn't know when they're coming. Production and performance are both good here, though I'm not sure about the very rocky solo in what is an otherwise quite folky tune.