TEETH MARKS
Micah Sommersmith

[DISCLAIMER: This song is for entertainment purposes only and should not be construed as an endorsement or condemnation of any presidential candidate, political party, or policy. Nur Ein!]

MARTIN O’MALLEY: ...very, very grateful to have been able to be on this stage with this distinguished group of candidates tonight.
BERNIE SANDERS: The American people are sick and tired of hearing about your damn emails!
HILLARY CLINTON: Thank you! Me too!

Man this fight is so sad, I wanna hit restart
If you really want something so bad, I better see teeth marks
I see you on stage, all friendly, like you were sweethearts
But here’s the thing, if you want to win, kids, you gotta leave teeth marks

Hey Bernie, the kids all love you, I know
Call you Mr. Hope and Change 2.0
And you can fill a stadium wherever you go,
But on Tuesday you lose ‘cause your bros don’t show

You think you have a ghost of a chance against Donald?
Wait till they attack you, son you’ve been coddled
A seventy-four-year-old socialist Jew?
Bad news: they’re gonna go postal on you

You gotta start biting if you want to get ahead, sir
Though I’d hate to see you damage your dentures.

Secretary Clinton, your efforts to relate are a failure:
Nobody likes you, you’re nobody’s abuela
They say you’re too strident, too shrill, too ambitious
We both know what they mean: You’re a woman with opinions

Yes, there’s the money, the transcripts, the emails
But nobody would care, if you happened to be male
You gotta lean into that shit
Embrace the fact you’re a boss ass bitch

If you want to win this thing, Ms. Clinton,
We’re gonna have to see those canines glinting.

Man this fight is so sad, I wanna hit restart
If you really want something so bad, well you gotta leave teeth marks
Oh but you’re all talk, no fight
All bark, no bite

Governor Kasich, I’m an Ohio boy too
But don’t misconstrue: I won’t vote for you
A right-wing nutjob dressed like a moderate
Acting like you’re so open-minded and tolerant

You hate Obamacare, love the second amendment
In the Supreme Court marriage case you were a defendant
But nobody knows this, ‘cause nobody knows you
‘Cause you’re not talking trash like a candidate’s supposed to

Acting like a man but the people want an animal
Show them John Kasich is a motherfucking cannibal.

Ted Cruz! Dude, you know you’re gonna lose
You steaming pile of human refuse
You can’t compromise, don’t know how to schmooze
So your colleagues and your party and the people hate you

You can’t even smile like a human being
You’ve got soulless eyes and an oily sheen
Are you a robot or an actual person?
The more you talk the more your chances worsen

Everybody’s creeped out, you’ve managed to unite ‘em
You know what they say: if you can’t beat ‘em, bite ‘em.

Man this fight is so sad, I wanna hit restart
If you really want something so bad, well you gotta leave teeth marks
Oh but you’re so damn polite
All bark, no bite

At last we come to Mr. Donald Trump
The one and only human-sized cancerous lump
Talks so much shit when he’s on the stump
That when he opens his mouth it’s like he’s taking a dump

He says that he’s gonna make America great again
So far he’s just taught America to hate again
Muslims, women, black people, immigrants
He’s not backing down and it’s too late to make amends

I don’t know what this man really believes
If he means what he says, if he says what he means
If he’s counting on us to be extremely naive,
Either way, Trump Fever is a serious disease

Some say you can’t fight fire with fire
You gotta tell the truth when you’re dealing with a liar
Only an angel can vanquish a devil
And no matter what, we can’t stoop to his level

But guess what? His strategy works
The voters all love their mammoth jerks
He pulls himself up by tearing you down
This clown is the biggest clown in town

In the circus, here’s something worth trying:
When the clown’s not funny, you feed him to the lion.